ecovlke's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 22 : Santa Feces (The Land Of Disenchantment) Chapter 22 : Santa Feces (The Land Of Disenchantment) May 17th will be my fifth wedding anniversary. I've known my wife for 15years. She's the girl from the diary entry titled "The Rise And FALL Of 1987" (from 11-5-01). The one who gave me the thumb and little finger "call me" signal. We have been through a lot in the last five years. In June of '97, we moved to Sante Fe, New Mexico so I could attend the Institute of American Indian Arts. We scouted out the job and housing situation for several months in advance, and my wife even had a job interview lined up. So off we went to the "Land of Enchanment". Once we arrived we found out that my wife's job had fallen through. The law firm, that she had interviewed with twice, also represented IAIA and the president of the school against a law suit brought about by several students. Since I was to be a student at IAIA, they thought that employing her might somehow cause a conflict of interest. Of course we arrived just when the job market bottomed out. We could not find work anywhere. After a month we ran out of money. We were eating popcorn for dinner. Rent was coming up and we had no money. I mean NO money. School didn't start up until August and this was late June. I went to the admisions office to get my studio deposit back so we could go home. It was enough to get a U-Haul and pay for gasoline. I just happened to take a video of my art to the admissions director. He viewed it and told me to hold on for just one more day. I didn't realize that he had a faculty/staff meeting with the school president that afternoon. When I came back the next day to get my refund check, the admissions director told me that he explained my situation to the president and told her that I was a major talent that they shouldn't let get away. So the president told them to find me a job doing something, anything, and to give me an advance to buy groceries and pay the rent. I got a job working in the library. About two weeks after that, my wife got a job as the assisstant to the president of an insurance company. Now all may seem to be great, but the stress took its toll on me. My wife's job was good, but she soon started to hear racist remarks from some of the female Hispanics at work. She was treated bad by these ladies because she was white, come from out of state and got a high position, and that she was married to an Indian. She would come home in tears and tell me about the things that they would say. Things they would say just loud enough for her to hear. My confidence had been shaken by our stretch of bad luck upon our arrival. It was not what we had planned. We had dreams of it being the beginning of a wonderful life together. We couldn't find work, and within the first week of our arrival, my wife's car was involved in a hit and run accident. Even after we got jobs, and school started, my confidence was still low. We were very close during the hard times. We didn't fight over money like most couples do when things get rough. It was "Us" against "Them" and we banded close together, but I was still feeling it was all my fault that I let this crap happen to us. It was a secret that I kept hidden while my inferiority complex was raging underneath my calm exterior. The comments that my wife told me her coworkers were making, and the dire financial situation that I put us in by following my dream and moving to Santa Fe left me with a tremendous gulity streak. A financial situation that we still feel a little to this day. I can't completely describe the feeling and depression that struck me during this period. I began to believe all of the negative things that I had heard all of my life. Things about me being worthless, and the various negative comments about my race. I held my wife in such high esteem, that I thought I had ruined her life and drug her down with me. I decided that I needed to send her away from all of the crap that I had brought down on us. Unfortunately, the one person whom I decided was a voice of reason talked me into running my wife away after only five months of marriage. She was an Onieda woman from Ontario, Canada who was also a new student. We had a painting class together. We formally met through another student, who was a friend that we had in common. She was three years older than me. Since she was one of the few people close to my age, and we had a common friend, and a class together, we started to hang out together and to talk a lot. I told her how I felt about my situation, and I foolishly I let her confirm my irrational fears. She didn't think that whites and Indians should be together. So like the dumbass that I am, I let her talk me into sending my wife away. I didn't want too, but it seemed like it was for her own good. It killed me inside for I love my wife very much. I can't go into the details of what transpired that October of '97, it's too damn painful. Whenever I think of how close I came to losing her, I get scared and sick to my stomach. While we were apart we still kept in constant contact. I told her that I had taken up with this Onieda girl, and that I was in love with her. I told her this lie so that she wouldn't come back to the shit life that I had to offer. What a colosal dumbass I was. I couldn't let my wife go. It took nine years for me to ask her out again. I was fortunate enough for her to say yes. I was blessed to have her as a wife. I was so happy when she did move back in December of '97. We were together until February '98 when I fucked up again. I was scared that I had been selfish to ask my wife back to a shitty life with me in Santa Fe, so I sent her away again, but I didn't want to lose her. I couldn't. She is my life, my soul mate. Again we kept in constant contact while seperated. I finished out the semester and moved back to Oklahoma to be with her. We've been together ever since. I did go back to finish up in the fall of '98. I can't even explain or understand how stupid I was during the whole Santa Fe experience, but it did bring us even closer. Maybe it was meant to happen the way that it did. I'm just thankful that I have her. I've never met anyone who completes me the way that she does. I like to just look at her, and everything she does I am in awe with. The way she walks, moves her hands while she is doing things, her touch, I love everything about her. I love the way that she looks at me. She knows me, and I love her very much. In June of 2000 we lost a baby girl. She was born too early. We've gone through a lot of really bad things, and we've had some really wonderful times. We are expecting another baby in August. We've got a good life together. I want it to last forever. Soundtrack for this entry-"These Are Days" by 10,000 MANIACS. 8:04 p.m. - 2002-03-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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