ecovlke's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 21: A First New Year, I Am Now The Adult Chapter 21: A First New Year, I Am Now The Adult Happy New Year! My first year with no parents. I have passed my first holiday triptych without any parents. For the last five years I had my father. The last of my set of four parents. I lost him to brain and lung cancer in June 2001. My mother died of bone and stomach cancer in July of 1995. My real mother died in an automobile accident in 1964. I'm not sure when my real father died or from what. I learned of his death in 2000. You don't realize how much you miss these people until the holidays come. And even though I was not on any real speaking terms with my father for the last four years, I always thought of him on these days. He was the last of my parental units. He was the last piece of antique dinnerware that you only really miss after the last plate has been broken. Every now and then I go to the E-Bay in my heart's memory to bid on the things that make me smile the most when I think of him. Things that make me want to shelter him as if he was the child. Especially since I saw the damage that he would never admit to himself. I loved him knowing that he could not help what had been done to him as a youth. I vowed not to make the same mistakes. He may not have passed on the wealth of manly arts that most fathers do to their sons, but he did teach me more than he would ever know. He never tried to share his knowledge of things. He held on to these jewels for this was his power. He would make me beg for his help. It eased his troubled spirit, but it left me constantly walking in the shadows of his self failures. I loved him with all of my heart like a son loves his father. Even through the times I found myself living off the table scraps of his affection. I was never quite his "caliber of person". Always living my life on "pure dumb luck" he would say to any of my own personal acheivements. I loved him. He was not always physically abusive especially as I grew older and larger in frame. He was better at mental gabs as we both aged. 10:11 a.m. - 2002-01-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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