ecovlke's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 15: We've Only Just Begun Chapter 15: We've Only Just Begun Now we jump forward in my background. The early to middle 80s. I lost my virginity one Saturday afternoon to a woman that I met at the hospital were I worked. I lost it to Side B of The Carpenters "The Singles 1969-1973." It was on my 19th birthday. She was 31. Three weeks later we were married. She was the first female to ever really pay any attention to me. I was lonely and vunerable. Little at the time did I know that she was using me to get out of a situation that she had been living in for eight years. She was a live in concubine for a man that she had met in a bar back in 1973. A man that she had left her husband and child for. And all of this was okay with this man's wife because psychologically she needed a husband, but had no desire for any physical contact with him. Once we were married this bizarre story started to unfold before my eyes like a road map of hell. I learned of her "lost six months" in which she was institutionalized, and of her history of drug abuse. The man she left would call at all hours of the night drunk, send out strange rambling letters to everyone that we all knew in common, and once he cut the brake lines on my car. The first two years were strange, and I was very unhappy. We lost a baby to a tubal pregnancy in the first year of our marriage, but we did have a girl the following year. Our marriage lasted for 3 1/2 years. It was during the second year that she started treating me more like I was her son than her husband. Around the third year of our marriage, I met an 18 year old girl at work. I was 22. She had the biggest, darkest brown eyes that I had ever seen. Thick brown hair. She stood a little under 5 feet. We worked the same floor at the hospital, and we began to hang around a lot after work. We started sneaking off and kissing. But she was engaged to someone. I was falling hard for her. She would string me along. I was her world when her fiance would ignore her, but when he did something for her, she would remind me of how much that she loved him, and that she was going to marry him someday. I got divorced in August and it became final in January. After this I was free to concentrate more on her. I started to drink heavily to help with the pain of her hot and cold affection. She seemed to enjoy the attention and the emotional pain that she inflicted on me. She would be very affectionate to me, and in the same breath that she held to kiss me would turn and remind me that she was going to marry the other guy. She made sure that when I was dry, she'd drop by with more loving for me, tales of him, and a bottle of whiskey. I let her make me so miserable, that I spent two hours one afternoon locked in my bathroom with a loaded pistol to my head. No one ever knew about this little incident. I realized that she was not worth it. I went to her wedding that fall. Deep into football season her husband lost interest in her. She was a football widow before her honeymoon had ended. So guess who she came to for all of her marital needs. I was still in love with her so it was hard, but I held firm and refused. I saw her about four years ago. She has two boys, and she's still married to the same man. She had gained a lot of weight which is ironic because she use to talk down about fat people, and she always worried about gaining weight. With the feelings now faded into history I can't believe how foolish I was. 10:05 p.m. - 2001-09-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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